Laser Kitty Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

While a great deal of research remains to be done, a growing body of evidence shows that cognitive behavioural therapy is more effective when it includes Laser Kittens.

Consider the following two self-coaching sheets. The first is a typical CBT worksheet similar to many which are given out to patients receiving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Now look closely at the second worksheet. While it is similar to the first in many ways, there is a key difference: the second sheet includes Laser Kittens, and has been clinically shown to be up to 33% more effective in a double-blind clinical trial.

Fig. 1 A typical CBT worksheet

A black and white form with columns labeled: Self-Coaching Form

Fig. 2 A CBT worksheet with Laser Kittens. Clearly this one is better.

The same form as the previous image, except this one has several cute cartoon kittens shooting colourful laser beams out of their eyes.

Laser Kitty CBT Frequently Asked Questions

What is a Laser Kitten?

It’s a kitten that can shoot lasers out of its eyes.

How many kittens should I take?

Every individual is different, so you will have to talk this over with your doctor to develop a treatment regimen that is right for you. Most people start off with just one kitty, and gradually add more kittens after a period of two to four weeks.

What are the side effects?

The side-effects of Laser Kitty CBT are mild, and some people don’t experience any side effects as all. The possible side effects are: difficulty sleeping, dry mouth, feeling dizzy, nausea, sexual dysfunction including ejaculation problems or erectile dysfunction, paraesthesiae, difficulty sleeping, strange dreams, feeling agitated or anxious, nausea, vomiting, tremors or headaches, appetite gain, chest pain, constipation, decreased libido, depersonalisation, depression, eye or eyesight problems, feeling anxious, feeling nervous, flatulence, hot flushes, increased muscle tone, indigestion, loss of appetite, musclepain or tenderness, nightmares, palpitations, paraesthesiae, pharyngitis, skin rash or rashes, stomachpain, taste changes, teeth grinding, tinnitus, vomiting, yawning, abnormal thoughts or feelings, apathy, back pain, belching, breathing difficulties, bronchospasm, changes to weight, chills, cold sweats, convulsions, coordination problems, dry skin, ear pain, euphoria, faster heart rate, fever, flushing, general feeling of being unwell, haemorrhoids, hair loss, hyperactivity, hypoaesthesia, increased salivation, migraine, muscle contractions, muscle twitching, muscle weakness, nose bleed, oesophagitis, osteoarthritis, passing much more urine than usual, raised blood pressure, respiratory tractinfection, rhinitis, speech problems, swallowing difficulties, swelling around the eyes, thirst, tongue problems, unexplained or easy bruising of the skin or mucous membranes, unexplained or unexpected increase in muscle movement, urinary problems, urinary retention, urinating more often at night, urticaria, vaginal bleeding, weakness, abnormal gait, abnormal laboratory test results, abnormal muscle movements or problems controlling muscle movement, abnormal smell of the skin, behavioural problems such as feelings of hostility, anger, aggression, thoughts of committing suicide or suicidal tendencies, blood in the stool, bone problems, certain types of dermatitis, coma, conversion disorder, decreased blood sugar levels, difficulty speaking, dose tolerance decreased, double vision, ear infection, enlargement of the pupil, faster breathing rate, feeling paranoid, galactorrhoea, gastroenteritis, gastrointestinal problems, genital discharge, glaucoma, hair problems, heart attack, heart or circulation problems, heavy or long menstrual periods, hernia, hiccups, high levels of cholesterol in the blood, hypersensitivity to external stimuli such as light, noise and physical contact, hypoventilation, inflammation or infection of the mouth or tongue, injection site problems, injury, irritation or inflammation of the penis and foreskin, irritation or inflammation of the vagina and vulva, lymphadenopathy, melaena, mouth or tongue ulcers, neoplasms, over-sensitivity or fear of light, priapism, psychosis or psychotic-like behaviour or worsening of psychosis or psychotic-like behaviour, semen abnormal, sensory problems, sleep walking, slower heart rate, spasms of the throat, stridor, tooth problems, urinary hesitation, urinary incontinence, urinating less or less often, vasodilation procedure, allergic or anaphylactic reactions, angioedema, bleeding problems such as gastrointestinal bleeding, blood in the urine, blood problems, blood sugar control changes in diabetics, breast enlargement in men, bruising, diabetes, extrapyramidal side effects, face oedema, feeling restless and inability to sit still, increased blood sugar levels, irregular menstrual periods, itching, jaundice, jointpain, liver problems, mania or mania-like behaviour, metabolic problems, headaches, concentration or memory problems; weakness; unsteady movement which may lead to falls; hallucinations; fainting or brief loss of consciousness or respiratory arrest, muscle cramps, neuroleptic malignant syndrome or serotonin syndrome – symptoms may include a fever, rigidity, confusion, feeling agitated, sweating excessively or diarrhoea, oedema of the extremities, pancreatitis, photosensitivity skin reaction, seizures, Stevens-Johnson syndrome, strange dreams, thyroid problems, toxic epidermal necrolysis, elephantism, scarlet plague, red death, green death, greyscale, white blindness, Andromeda Strain, clone-killing nanovirus, I-Pollen degenerative disorder, lycanthropism, zombie-ism, Methuselah syndrome, space madness, holovirus, hantavirus, cutie pox.


Kitten image by Maurader, Public Domain

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