This is a (ridiculous, anachronistic) re-write of an actual paper written in 1610 by Galileo Galilei, who was the first person to use a telescope to look at the night sky. He published The Starry Messenger to tell the world what he had seen, or to make sure he got the credit before someone else did, depending on how cynical you are.
Guys, you are so lucky to be reading this, because the stuff I’m about to tell you? It’s just so great, I can’t even.
For real though, you should sit down, because what you’re about to read is so mind-blowingly awesome I’m afraid you’ll forget to keep supporting your weight with your leg muscles and you’ll fall over and hurt yourself, and I don’t want to be responsible for that. So. Sit down, get comfy. I’m going to tell you some stuff no-one even knew before now, and also about the amazing new instrument that revealed it to our senses.
Like stars – turns out, there are WAY MORE stars than you can even see. Like, TEN TIMES more!
And the moon – when you look at it up close (which, just fyi, I was the first person to do ever) it’s way different from what you’d expect. It’s not all smooth and silvery-shiny, it’s actually kind of bumpy and rocky and uneven.
Also: the Milky Way, and nebulas. If you want to find out what they are, stay tuned.
But the greatest thing of all: I found FOUR NEW PLANETS!!! Or moons, I’m not sure. To be honest, it’s 1610, no-one’s even sure what the difference between a moon and a planet is yet.
I observed all this great stuff just a few days ago, using the amazing OUTER SPACE SPYGLASS (does that name work? It seems a bit long, maybe I’ll change it to telescope) which I totally just invented all by myself with no help from anyone.
I mean, except God. Obviously. My awesome genius was totally illumitated by the divine light of God. It’s good to mention God in these things at least once, just to keep off the Inquisition. So, yeah. God is 100% totally on board with the outer space spyglass. It was His idea, really.
Are you ready? Buckle yourselves in, because it’s gonna be a wild ride.